Zitate und Sprüche aus Blackadder

Lord Melchett: "Ah, Blackadder, talking to yourself, I see."
Blackadder: "Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation."

Mrs M, if we were the last three humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick.

They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork into your head.

Baldrick, I want you to take this and go out and buy a turkey so large, you'd think its mother had been rogered by an omnibus.

Baldrick, believe me, eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of death will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me - and THIS pencil.

The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Percy?

There hasn't been a war run this badly since Olaf the hairy, King of all the Vikings, ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.

He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of last year's Mr Madman competition.

Your brain is so minute Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit.

Pitt the Younger: "I intend to put my own brother up as a candidate against you."
Blackadder: "And which Pitt would this be? Pitt the Toddler? Pitt the Embryo? Pitt the Glint in the Milkman's Eye?"

Lord Flashheart: "Enter the man who has no underwear. Ask me why."
Others: "Why do you have no underwear, Lord Flash?"
Lord Flashheart: "Because the pants haven't been built yet that'll take the job on."

Baldrick: "I have a plan, sir."
Blackadder: "Really, Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?"
Baldrick: "Yes, sir."
Blackadder: "As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?"

The suspect has his head placed upon a block, and an axe aimed at his neck. If the man is guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck. If the man is not guilty, the axe will simply slice his head off.

Baldrick: "I love my mum."
Blackadder: "And I love chops in sauce but I don't seek their advice."

Oh, Edmund. I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed, just to see the expression on your face.

Field Marshal Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan effort to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin.

Samuel Johnson: "This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language."
Blackadder: "Every single one, sir?"
Samuel Johnson: "Every single word, sir."
Blackadder: "Oh, well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer the Doctor my most enthusiastic contrafibularities."

Baldrick, you wouldn't recognise a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsicord singing "subtle plans are here again".

Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Baldrick, your head is as empty as a eunach's underpants.

Mrs Miggins: "Don't mind them Mr B, they're just being intellectual."
Blackadder: "There's nothing intellectual about wandering around Italy in a big shirt trying to get laid."

Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket?!

Prince George: "Someone said I had the wit and intellect of a donkey."
Blackadder: "Oh, an absurd suggestion sir. Unless it was a particularly stupid donkey."

Blackadder: "Criminal record?"
Baldrick: "Absolutely not."
Blackadder: "Oh, come on, Baldrick. You're going to be an MP for God's sake. I'll just put fraud and sexual deviance."

Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot.

The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own satanic herd.

Lord Blackadder: "Ah, Melchett! Greetings! I trust Christmas brings you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramp."
Lord Melchett: "And compliments of the season to you, Blackadder. May the Yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down."

Mr. Pants: "You've really worked out your banter, haven't you?"
Blackadder: "No, this is a different thing. It's spontaneous and it's called wit."

Old woman: "The Wise Woman? There are two things you must know about the Wise Woman! First... she is a woman! And second...-"
Blackadder: "She is wise?"
Old woman: "Oh, you do know her then."
Blackadder: "No, just a quick stab in the dark - which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being more helpful."

We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant.

She's got a tongue like an electric eel, and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils.

I'm gonna beat you like a piñata till candy flies out of your ass!