Quotes by Charlie Harper
Quotes 1-20 of 30
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Quotes by Charlie Harper


Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 24 (Series quote)

Alan: 'Why don't you get a vasectomy?'
Charlie: 'I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago I believe there was a petition circulating.'
1

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 18 (Series quote)

The damage has been done. All that's left to do now is drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead.
6

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 16 (Series quote)

Alan: 'I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful, than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids.'
Charlie: 'Boy, leave it to you to take a beautiful thing like drunken sex and make it sound dirty.'
2

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 15 (Series quote)

Alan: 'What are you afraid off?'
Charlie: 'I'm afraid I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'll be an only-child.'
5

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season Season 1 Episode 12 (Series quote)

Alan: 'When a boy becomes a man - and that's what you're becoming - he has to start protecting the women in his life from certain things.'
Charlie: 'Like the truth.'
4

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 6 (Series quote)

Alan: 'Charlie, there's a half naked woman in our kitchen!'
Charlie: 'Which half?'
5

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 5 (Series quote)

It doesn't matter if you win or loose, it's whether or not you beat the spread.
4

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 3 (Series quote)

Charlie: 'Don't cry, we can still be friends!'
Alan: 'What?'
Charlie: 'I'm sorry, it's the only thing I know to say when someone cries around here.'
2

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 2 (Series quote)

Alan: 'Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.'
Charlie: 'Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate.'
5

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season Season 1 Episode 1 (Series quote)

Charlie: 'You know who wrote that song? Your uncle Charlie wrote that!'
Jake: 'No lie?'
Charlie: 'Kid if I was gonna lie, it would've been 'Stairway To Heaven' and not 'The Maple-Loops-Song'.'
3

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 1 (Series quote)

Dont worry, there's not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.
2

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men (Series quote)

Alan: 'Look, if you feel so strongly about this girl, why don't you just call her?'
Charlie: 'Yeah, sure, I could call her. I could also Fed-Ex her my testicles in a little silk bag.'
1

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men (Series quote)

Lord. You blessed me with a lot: more money than I know what to do with, a beautiful home, and a surprisingly resilient liver. You have truly given unto me with both hands, which brings me to my request.

Of all the gifts yo've bestowed upon me, none are a greater testament to your glory than Chelsea's heavenly breasts. I don't know why you couldn't have thrown in a sturdy spine so she could tote those things around, but who am I to question your methods?

Anyway, you probably know that she's thinking about tampering with your great work, and I was just hoping that you could, you know that, talk to her, return her to the path of righteousness and bodaciousness. Amen.

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men (Series quote)

Let us consider the hummingbird, Alan. Or the butterfly. All of God's creature are perfect just the way He made them. Except you. You suck.

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men (Series quote)

Charlie: 'Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whore-house.'
Alan: 'Excuse me?'
Charlie: 'You're constantly surprised when you've been screwed - and you don't want to pay for it!'
1

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 3 Episode 17 (Series quote)

Charlie: 'With his grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around.'
Alan: 'Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?'
Charlie: 'No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless.'
3

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 1 (Series quote)

Jake: 'Boy! Is your eye red.'
Charlie: 'You should see it from in here.'
1

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men (Series quote)

Alan: 'You'll go to mom's funeral, won't you Charlie?'
Charlie: 'Of course! As the eldest son, it's my duty to pound the last stake into her heart.'

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men (Series quote)

Charlie: 'Oh never again, never again.'
Berta: 'You gonna stop drinking?'
Charlie: 'Are you crazy, I'm gonna stop waking up!'

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men (Series quote)

Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know they're there, but they're better left unfelt.
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Quotes 1-20 of 30
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