Marshall: 'Can we borrow your air mattress? My mom's coming into town for a few days.'
Ted: 'Absolutely not!'
Lily: 'Bummer, I guess she can't stay with us. Hey, look what I just found! A list of hotels and other creative housing options.'
Marshall: 'Baby, my mom is not staying at a hotel. Or our storage unit.'
Marshall: 'Lily, you snooped through her stuff?'
Lily: 'No, it's like the first thing you see when you jimmy open her desk-drawer with the letter opener her grandfather left her, according to her diary.'
Marshall: 'Are you sure this poo-poo didn't happen on your watch and you just ran out the clock until it was my problem?'
Lily: 'Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, right. What kind of mother lets her son sit in his own filth for an extra nine minutes and 42 seconds?'
Lily: 'Just give me his name!' Robin: 'Fine. It's Bill Pepper.' Lily: 'Kind of a coincidence there happens to be a bill and a pepper shaker here on the table. Any chance you and Bill had a three-way with Fork Napkin?'
Marshall: 'During that time, I have been, how do I put this delicately, saving all my love for you.' Lily: 'I have read eleven books on conception, I have cut out alcohol, caffeine and sugar. I take my temperature every hour. But good for you for not playing with yourself!'