Series quotes from Two and a half Men (Page 2)
Quotes 21-40 of 48
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Series quotes from Two and a half Men


Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men (Series quote)

Let us consider the hummingbird, Alan. Or the butterfly. All of God's creature are perfect just the way He made them. Except you. You suck.

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men (Series quote)

Charlie: 'Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whore-house.'
Alan: 'Excuse me?'
Charlie: 'You're constantly surprised when you've been screwed - and you don't want to pay for it!'
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Quote by Alan Harper from Two and a half Men (Series quote)

What happened? Did Starbucks merge with Hooters? Hooterbucks - I'd like a Double-D Cup Latte, please!

Quote by Alan Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 9 Episode 4 (Series quote)

Walden: 'Let this be a warning to you, Alan. There're women out there, that will be nice to you, just to get to your money.'
Alan: 'Thanks, but that's not very high on my list of concerns.'
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Quote by Alan Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 9 Episode 4 (Series quote)

Lindsey: 'You're tall, good looking, very successful. Believe me, women settle for a lot less!'
Alan: 'And thank god for that!'
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Quote by Alan Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 9 Episode 1 (Series quote)

Walden: 'Money does not buy happiness!'
Alan: 'I wouldn't know, I never had either.'
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Quote by Alan Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 9 Episode 1 (Series quote)

I could sprinkle you on the beach. It's simple, it's dignified and pretty girls covered with oil will be sitting on you all day. And like your life, except for the dignified part.

Quote by Alan Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 9 Episode 1 (Series quote)

I know what you said you wanted, but I really dont think Pamela Anderson will agree to swallow your ashes.
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Quote by Alan Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 9 Episode 1 (Series quote)

[talking to Charlie's urn] Here we are, buddy. Just like old times, I'm talking and you're in a bottle, ignoring me.
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Quote by Berta from Two and a half Men in Season 3 Episode 13 (Series quote)

Charlie: 'Looks to be a beautiful day. Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun-dappled afternoon in paradise.'
Berta: 'You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?'
1

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 3 Episode 17 (Series quote)

Charlie: 'With his grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around.'
Alan: 'Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?'
Charlie: 'No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless.'
3

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 1 Episode 1 (Series quote)

Jake: 'Boy! Is your eye red.'
Charlie: 'You should see it from in here.'
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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men (Series quote)

Alan: 'You'll go to mom's funeral, won't you Charlie?'
Charlie: 'Of course! As the eldest son, it's my duty to pound the last stake into her heart.'

Quote by Jake Harper from Two and a half Men (Series quote)

Jake: 'We had a surprise test today.'
Alan: 'And?'
Jake: 'I was really surprised.'
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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men (Series quote)

Charlie: 'Oh never again, never again.'
Berta: 'You gonna stop drinking?'
Charlie: 'Are you crazy, I'm gonna stop waking up!'

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men (Series quote)

Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know they're there, but they're better left unfelt.
2

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 6 Episode 18 (Series quote)

Jake: 'It means 'sexually transmitted disease'.'
Charlie: 'I know what STD's are!'
Alan: 'Your uncle helped invent them.'
Jake: 'You know, they can be prevented by using a condom.'
Charlie: 'I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer.'
Jake: 'I don't understand.'
Charlie: 'Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you.'
Jake: 'Okay.' [walks out]
Charlie: 'You must be so proud.'
Jake: 'Ballpeen or claw hammer?'
Alan: 'Do me a favour. When he comes back, just do it.'
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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 6 Episode 13 (Series quote)

Alan: 'I feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me.'
Charlie: 'Wow, I lost 8000 dollar playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are.'

Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 3 Episode 22 (Series quote)

That 'Uhm...' is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.
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Quote by Charlie Harper from Two and a half Men in Season 2 Episode 8 (Series quote)

She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.
Quotes 21-40 of 48
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